So I sit

So, I sit here.

While you are at the beach.

I know. People asked us to come. People were kind to us. The problem isn't the invitations. The problem is the reality. I'm a difficult person. When I think about it, and I think about it a lot, I realize that there's really only one person at the beach who I reliably get along with. I wish I weren't difficult. Just like I wish I could simply wish away my anxiety.

We've got to start somewhere though... somehow we've got to try to build something positive. I don't believe that the right time to do that is at some vacation or holiday. People want too much from those times. People want to enjoy their vacations and holidays. No one wants to spend those times worrying about when the argument will surface. And, an argument will surface. Once it happens, no one will really know why. Fingers will point in different directions, but more fingers will point at me. It doesn't feel good to ruin other people's vacations, and it doesn't feel good to ruin my own vacation.

So, I had to choose... Had to choose between going to the beach with a group of people I could get along with and going to the beach with a group of people I might get along with... I only get one vacation, and you only get one vacation. How should this go?

To build something, we need to spend time together in a way that doesn't lend an advantage either person. I don't know exactly how to do that. I know that you won't try to do this on your own. And, I know that if I try to do this, I'm defeated in my attempt to put as little effort into maintaining our relationship as you do.

So, I sit.