I've been expecting it for a while. That discussion.
"I haven't heard from you in a while. You could call more often." He suggests.
"Dad, you could call me more often, too. A relationship is supposed to be a two way street. I call you more often than you call me. I've done so for the last 10 years, and I've got the phone records to prove it." I respond.
"That isn't how it works. You call me."
"It's better for you to keep that rule intact than to have a relationship with your son?"
"You need to understand that, later in life you may regret that. Let's just say that certain things someone in your position may feel entitled to might not be there when the time comes."
"Is that what you think I want? Why would you think that? Since college I have never asked you for money-- not even to help pay for medical school. That's 11 years without asking for a cent. I don't visit you. I call you ten times a year to remind you that you have a perfectly good son that you refuse to engage in a meaningful relationship, and to remind me that I do more than you do in attempting to keep our relationship alive. Despite this, you think that I want your material possesions? I don't even know what your possesions are. I don't know what you have in your house, your bank, your mind, or your heart. I don't know what you have that you care about; that you hold special. I know it isn't me. The idea that after you pass I will want your things or your money is simply wrong. I don't know what your things are. I don't have your money, and clearly I don't care to 'work' towards getting it."
The words came out, but it was useless. Shortly after "Is", the mind stopped listening. A crystal glass swirled rocks of ice around some Jack Daniels, only barely mixed with some diet coke. The noise continued for a while, and then he replies softly, and slowly "Well, it's up to you." The tone of his voice is different this time, and it's disturbing, and he knows it-- that's the point. It's not the voice he uses regularly-- not the typical drunk swagger. It's the old voice. The voice of the father who has been gone since 1997. The current imposter is using the old voice as an impersonation-- an impersonation of someone he once was, but clearly no longer is.
The anger builds inside of me, as the imposter rubs salt in the wound of losing someone cared for. "Well, it's up to you, too." I reply.
The only thing I'm sure I'll have in the future is the same thing I have now: an unsatisfactory relationship with my father.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Why I hate my PC
The Ibis rests, so this is the result, no introspection, just pure catharsis...
I hate my PC. It seems to hate me, too. It's a Dell Inspiron 6000, a laptop. It has a great keyboard, and when I bought it I was so excited to be like all those other people with a portable computer...
It sucks.
Antivirus software is the enemy of the laptop. Since the computer isn't on most of the time, every time I turn the thing on it has to update the antivirus software and then scan for viruses. Even if I cancel the scan, it's still a good 5 minutes of wasted time just to start things off. Then the whole thing crashes because the video card isn't really compatible with the computer or windows or both. The video card manufacturer points the finger at dell and microsoft and they point the finger right back. In the middle is me with my $2000 computer, rebooting more than typing. No one cares, except me. No more PC for me.
I've gone over to the dark side of Mac. Macs aren't perfect, and they aren't always easy. As far as I can tell the most annoying part of Mac is the Apple store-- a bunch of scruffy bearded guys and girls in tight shirts answering yes to any question asked. The Mac has problems, and it can be difficult to configure, but it works most of the time. And, the Mac people are generally useful in helping you fix things, so long as you aren't using anything not made by Apple. I don't care that it costs more up front. You don't have to pay for antivirus software every year, and you don't have to take it to Geek Squad to fix. Geek Squad, if you think of it, is a company almost exclusively devoted to fixing people's broken PCs. Next time you're in best buy, walk over and see how long it takes to get to the front of the Geek Squad line. Then buy a Mac and leave all of that behind.
I hate my PC. It seems to hate me, too. It's a Dell Inspiron 6000, a laptop. It has a great keyboard, and when I bought it I was so excited to be like all those other people with a portable computer...
It sucks.
Antivirus software is the enemy of the laptop. Since the computer isn't on most of the time, every time I turn the thing on it has to update the antivirus software and then scan for viruses. Even if I cancel the scan, it's still a good 5 minutes of wasted time just to start things off. Then the whole thing crashes because the video card isn't really compatible with the computer or windows or both. The video card manufacturer points the finger at dell and microsoft and they point the finger right back. In the middle is me with my $2000 computer, rebooting more than typing. No one cares, except me. No more PC for me.
I've gone over to the dark side of Mac. Macs aren't perfect, and they aren't always easy. As far as I can tell the most annoying part of Mac is the Apple store-- a bunch of scruffy bearded guys and girls in tight shirts answering yes to any question asked. The Mac has problems, and it can be difficult to configure, but it works most of the time. And, the Mac people are generally useful in helping you fix things, so long as you aren't using anything not made by Apple. I don't care that it costs more up front. You don't have to pay for antivirus software every year, and you don't have to take it to Geek Squad to fix. Geek Squad, if you think of it, is a company almost exclusively devoted to fixing people's broken PCs. Next time you're in best buy, walk over and see how long it takes to get to the front of the Geek Squad line. Then buy a Mac and leave all of that behind.
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